Washington Post Express: Digest of Distopia

Ah yes. Washington Post Express. The only thing better in the shitter than a blumpkin. There's so much fluff in this dingy rag I once mistook it for a marshmallow. Real hard-hitting reporting there guys. And just for the record, I never really had it out for the Washington Post Express. It started out fairly innocuous, simply giving you the first fifth of featured articles in hopes that you would buy the actual paper.

Now, everytime I pick this thing up I am disgusted. You can literally skim thru this "paper" in less than ten minutes, and even if had enough content to entertain you for half an hour, you still would have not digested anything of value or remembrance. What was once a condensed Washington Post is now a magazine style dudu rag aimed at the younger generation that is assumed to have the attention span of a gnat. Telltale giveaways here: the common acceptance of "News of the Weird" stories as actual news, newfound weight given to nightlife bloggers, fitness and fashion inserts, celebrity section that serves as Access Hollywood substitute, large sports section. Its as if halfway thru the first year they decided they really had something here and then hired some up and coming hipster editors and writers to spruce their content up and make it attractive to the "kids". Everything in the Express is written like it was a White Castle slider. And for that it is fucking boring. You look out inside a metro car during early morning commute and its a sea of everyone reading Express like they need there daily soma pill. Except those who have gone over to the Dark Side of the Examiner, which has slightly more interesting writing if it is just a paper version of Fox News, but only interesting because I didn't know that I could be yelled at on paper.

If anything, you would think we would be more on watch about the "digest-izing" of our mediums. The Web has certainly had its effect on paper as a medium. The Express looks like the front of Google News. You get the headlines, and like five paragraphs and thats what qualifies as a story these days. Instead of a beginning, middle, and end, you just get the beginning and then no questioning. Everything is summarized to the point that it really doesn't tell you anything. I mean it could just be me complaining that its Shitty, but its also Bad for Culture. Dumb is more digestable, therefore Dumb is more entertaining, so more people read it, go to website, someone somewhere makes more money.

One of the markers of the digital age is the tendency to format everything into bite-sized discrete packets. The Express is simply Lunchables brought to the newspaper business. In a sense all our stories are being updated, "digitized" not just in form but in content as well. You don't read the book, you wait for them to make a movie. Kinda like I experienced the Harry Potter series. And even then I didn't really watch them all through, but pieced the movies together from various watchings on cable, 20 min to 30 min at a time. Easy. Convenient. Ever read Fahrenheit 451? Before they start burning the books, they just take all the old books and abridge them, then abridge the abridged versions, until the work itself has no more meaning, and then is no longer a threat.

The Final Review - Juno

Dissaffected white girl gets pregnant; everybody has something witty to say. Just cause you know about rock albums I dont know about doesnt mean your ass doesn't belong on Jerry Springer.

Michael Bay has convinced us...

...that he's an unqualified douchebag. Apparently, this worthless sack of shit can't get enough ass in Hollywood even tho he's loaded like a freight truck, because apparently this is how he conducts auditions. Quote from the National Ledger:

The claim is that Megan Fox was reportedly made to wash a Ferrari in front of director Michael Bay for her Transformers audition. The 23-year-old actress played the role of Mikaela Banes in the two Transformers movies, and recently revealed that her audition for the part was rather unusual.

Fox revealed that she went to Bay's house and was told to wash his Ferrari while he filmed her. The actress said that she doesn’t know what happened to that footage, and when Bay was approached about it, he reportedly said: "Er, I don't where it is either."

Michael Bay, stand down sir. Your movies are universally lacking in any substantive content (with the exception of the Island), so its not like we're starting out with this great opinion of you anyway. We know you are about the Tits and Ass. We know you are about the blowing things up. Thats totally cool, that you want to be a sub-par movie maker; your movies are so ready for TNT, basically the minute they come out. We didnt, apparently, know that you're a huge misogynistic prick that, apparently, despite your endless credit limit, can't seem to get enough play in his private life that you go around subjugating young women to fuel your self-loathing masturbation fantasies. Oh wait, you call that an audition.

Oh, BTW, Megan Fox you're not off the hook either. Bitch, you can't act. And you must know you can't act worth a shit cause you agreed to do that shit. One glance at your IMDB page pretty much showcases that fact. When your biggest claim to fame previous to your ass getting the lead in Transformers was as "Stars-and-Stripes Bikini Kid Dancing Under Waterfall" from Bad Boys 2, or as reaccuring character Sydney Shanowski on "Hope and Faith," you bet your ass she washed that car. Kinda defuses your star power when people realize you were just a 7-year-old file in Michael Bay's audition folder marked, "I would bone these girls."

You know I really could go on here, but its just too damn easy.

Your Feelings on this issue are False

Yo, fuck Michael Jackson. Yea I said it.

Ok, so prefacing all this - we all love Michael Jackson's music. Yes, we grew up with it. Yes, it is awesome. Yes, it is a great loss to the world blah blah blah MJ hasn't put out a good album since I cant remember when, Dangerous? Yes, we will all miss his music.

That's right. His music. Because none of you who have been fake sad over the last two weeks have ever met this man named Michael Jackson. You don't know him as a person. Despite how deep your connection to his music and videos, its not like this is someone you know. So stop it. Stop the fake ass whack ass "oh my god, its so sad" because its not for you. You did not know this man. You are not close to him. For god's sake who wants their memorial service at the fucking Staples Center. You are turning this tortured individual life into a self-serving media frenzy. Right now, someone in CNN has a huge boner over this, and thats fucked up to have a death treated as such.

And the worst part is this continuation of the "MJ never had a childhood" thread of absolute BS being schlocked around. There are millions of people around the world who have "had their childhoods stolen from them." There are millions of victims of parental abuse like MJ. There are probably plenty of people who have had similar or worse childhoods than MJ that didn't enjoy the level of luxury that he did. So quit that shit too because its a thinly veiled excuse for him probably or possibly (depending on which camp you're in) being a child molester.

Poor MJ. Maybe when all this fabricated pop star media self fornication is over we can get a real idea of who Michael Jackson was.

You all need to back that shit up. You are trivializing this sad tortured shell of man that was MJ, and at the same time, wearing all his good songs out cause you KEEP PLAYING THEM ALL THE TIME. I have heard the entirety of Thriller, etc. over eight times in the last two weeks, not even putting the music on myself. Right before MJ died, people were still playing MJ at the clubs at least two songs a night. Now, its like damn we better get it in before it gets old. Its already old....

And BTW. DJ's, you fucking suck too. Terrible nuts. MJ died and you had the perfect oppurtunity to play a real awesome MJ set, but you know what, after going out during these last two weeks, y'all DJs have fucking butchered that man's music catalouge. Yo, if you're a DJ, and you're making the decision to play Thriller, I'll Be There, I Want You Back, etc. more than 3 times in the same 2 hour set, then fucking pawn your turntables (oh wait you dont have any cause you DJ off ipod's you fucking wanker) and hang up this biz cause you cant hack it.